"People ask me 'do you still kill creatures?' It only happened the once, for Christ's sake!"

~on the bat-eating incident~


"I was really worried about the Y2K bug - I started burying bottles of vodka in our garden."

~on the millenium bug~


"My wife tried to stop me drinking by hiding my clothes. I just put on one of her dresses and my Nazi helmet and strolled down to the nearest off licence."

~on his love of alcohol~


"That dog's trying to destroy me. It's a terrorist. It's in Bin Laden's gang."

~on his wife's dog~


"Britney Spears is pretty, but I'm not from the Mickey Mouse Club - I'm from the Godzilla Club."

~distancing himself from the 'Queen of Pop'~


"I'm not wearing this coat. I look like Ricky Martin on a day off."

~on having his clothes bought for him~


"All the bad things that happened to me were because of drugs and alcohol. I mean, I wouldn't urinate on the Alamo at nine o'clock in the morning wearing a woman's evening dress if I was sober."

~stating the obvious~


"My one regret with the show is that we used our real house. I mean, the Munster's didn't use theirs!"

~on filming 'the osbournes'~


"I'm everybody's American father - and I'm not even American. I'd love it if the f***ing President gave me an honorary citizenship."

~on his huge popularity in the states~


"It's like living in f***ing Dr f***ing Dolittle's house here!"

~on life with five dogs and two cats~

BR>"I don't want f***ing bubbles on the stage. I'm Ozzy Osbourne, the f***ing Prince of Darkness! There's nothing evil about bubbles."

~trying to protect his image~


"My first wife had some chickens but they drove me mad. I started shooting them, but one wouldn't die. So I chased it around the garden with a sword. My neighbour just looked over the fence at me and said 'Unwinding again, Oz?'"


"I love the smell of armpits in the morning. It's the smell of victory."

~tasteful~


"I've got so many drugs inside me that I rattle when I jump about."

~on his drugs hell~


"I've done it all over the years. I just can't remember any of it."

~on life in the fast lane~


"Imagine spending eternity with the same woman. Even if she was the greatest bonk in the world you'd get bored after the first 900,000 years."

~on life after death~


"I love you all more that life itself - but you're all f***ing mad."

~getting paternal~


"Someone said I once snorted a line of ants. I don't remember that."

~pretty vacant~


"If I took ecstasy I'd probably explode. There'd be a pair of shoes on the floor and a splat on the ceiling."

~drawing the line~


"I believe in life after death, which is strange because at one point I didn't believe in life after birth."

~getting ready for the next life~


"First he turned green, then he went down like a one-legged parrot."

~on the time he spiked a vicars cake with cannabis~


"I hate f***ing vacuum cleaners. Turn the f***ing thing off."

~displaying a sensitive, caring approach to housework~


"It look loads of water to down that f***ing bats head, let me tell you. It's still stuck in my f***ing throat, even after all these years."

~eating a bat's head is neither big nor clever~


"I'm not gonna pick up any more f***ing dog crap. I'm a rock star for f***'s sake."

~someone has to do it~


"The idea of a band nowadays is five pretty boys, one with a tattoo, one with a shaved head and so on. What the f*** is that all about?"

~on the state of music today~


"I love Vicodin [a prescribed painkiller]. Heaven for me is being run over by a truck full of it."

~on his favorite drug~


"A rock star is supposed to say things like 'Get me drugs' but all I get is f***ing dog s*** up to my elbows and an earful of f***ing abuse."

~more under the thumb than under the spotlight~


"I don't walk - I sort of tumble. My legs are just trying to catch up with head."

~on his lack of coordination~